Stargate OC
by GlassSuicune
Summary: Stargate Command has forced all OCs into an insane 'program', sending them traveling across the galaxy in the likely doomed battle cruiser the Houston! With no DHD, cranky IOA agents, and crazy Plot Holes, this won't end well. In need of a better title.


Stargate OC by GlassSuicune

Note: I don't own Stargate, but I do enjoy watching it ( except for Universe). I do own Abby, Osiris, and Cepheus. The 'Oh sweet pineapples' phrase and its 'sugary' variation belong to me as well. StarVix, FlashHedgehog, and Light the Lucario's Sonic the Hedgehog story _OC Squad_ is what inspired me to write this, so credit basically goes to them for the idea. And yes, my OCs are insane and my style of humour is a little warped at times. Now...

"This" is speech.

_'This'_ is thought.

_This _is letters, memory lane, and emphasis -during speech.

Chapter 1: Oh Sweet Pineapples! We've Been Drafted into the Stargate Mission!

Abby, a young Wraith dressed in a blue shirt and black pants, stared at the envelope from the government in her hand, then at the soldier who was occupying himself by pointing a gun at her ( she suspected he had run into others of her kind in the past and decided a gun to their head was his way of saying, "Hi, now go away."). Her pale blue eyes twitched in annoyance and she promptly pulled a tiny, unripened apple out of her pocket -before jamming it into the gun.

The soldier set the gun down ever so gently, before whipping another one out of nowhere and pointing it at Abby again, brushing past the long red hair concealing most of her green face. "Don't try anything funny, you _freak,_" he growled, "Now open up that envelope before I decide to let this baby go wild." Abby sighed and then looked at the envelope, cutting it open with the 'claws' on her fingers. "Done." she said bluntly.

"Now read the letter for crying out loud! I haven't got all day!"

Abby flattened out the letter, gave the soldier a wary look, then read the following:

_Greetings Abby Appleseed,_

_I am the head of Stargate Command, and having opened this letter you have just been drafted into our OC squadrons! Now get here on the double before I sign you up for lab experiments!_

_-The Head of Stargate Command_

Abby stood there wide-eyed. She then reread the letter over and over, as if unable to comprehend what she had just read. "I've been...drafted?" she blurted out, "But I'm only twelve years old! How is that legal?!" She looked at the soldier, who was grinning crazily. "Well, it's legal because that law applies to both humans and canon characters. You're not human, and you are an OC. Therefore, we can do whatever we want!" he explained.

"But _why_?"

If the soldier had never been around other Wraith before, he would have never known that Abby just attempted to whine. He looked at her and yelled, "Don't make this any harder then it needs to be! Pack up your bags and get back here on the double!" Abby gave him a pathetic look, but sulked off into her apple tree grove to pack whatever it was she had.

_Later..._

Abby came out of the apple tree grove, carrying a basket filled with apples and apple seeds, a small bag ( probably for apparel), as well as a small stun gun that Wraith carry. "Is that everything you'd need?" the soldier asked. "Well, I can't take the grove with me..." Abby answered, taking one last look at her pride and joy, tears forming. The soldier face-palmed, and said to himself, "Those crazy fanfiction writers seriously need to make better OCs..."

After saying goodbye to the apple trees for the millionth time, Abby gathered her natural-born pride, turned to the solider, and said, "I am ready to go!" The soldier looked at her with a skeptical expression. "Good, now get into the helicopter over there." he said, pointing to a banged up helicopter which looked like it couldn't survive a gust of wind. As if on cue, a small gust of wind promptly blew the sorry excuse for a helicopter over onto its side.

Suddenly Abby's pride vanished and she looked pretty terrified.

_Somewhere else..._

Cepheus, an Asgard wearing a bomber's cap with goggles and a red scarf, looked at the letter, then at the soldier, then at the letter, then at the soldier, and the glorious cycle repeated itself even more. The letter read:

_Greetings Cepheus Cluster,_

_I am the head of Stargate Command, and having opened this letter you have just been drafted into our OC squadrons! Now get here on the double before I assign you to the Area_ _51!_

_-The Head of Stargate Command_

The scrawny alien's emerald green eyes widened in terror at the very mention of Area 51. He then looked at the soldier, "You can't be serious! I am unfit for these squadrons! I am a researcher and a pilot, not a fighter!" The soldier then said, "Well, sorry to hear that, but you are going."

"But I can't... I promised Abby and-"

"Stop right there. Do you by any chance mean Abby Appleseed?"

"Yes...why?"

"Don't worry about the promise you made to her and the other guy."

Cepheus stared at the soldier, obviously not looking pleased. "What have you done to Abby and Osiris?!" he demanded. The soldier rolled his eyes. "They've been drafted like you have, genius," he said bluntly, "Now, get yourself ready to go!" Cepheus sighed and walked into his crashed spacecraft ( he may or may not have been responsible for many UFOs crashing) and the soldier could hear many loud banging noises from within.

_Later..._

Cepheus suddenly came out carrying two large cases. He set them down in front of the soldier, then ran back inside his ship, before returning with more. When it was over, he had ten cases in all. The soldier's eyes were wide. "What's all this for?!" he cried. Cepheus replied, "Well, one case contains a full ZPM, then another contains a stun gun, while this one contains some Replicator research I have been conducting..." Cepheus replied, going on and on, before ending with, "And that last case has chocolate muffins in it."

"Muffins?! Why would you need muffins?! You're an Asgard!"

"Oh, I don't eat the muffins. But Abby and Osiris do."

The soldier seriously could not stand having Cepheus explain himself further, so he said, "Um, whatever. Get in the helicopter!" He pointed to a helicopter in a similar condition to the one poor Abby ended up with. Cepheus swallowed hard and said, "Um, I really don't think that helicopter could carry me to Stargate Command..."

"Yes, but you're not important, so this is what you get."

".........I want my lawyer...."

"Come on! Get into the helicopter on the double!"

The soldier shoved Cepheus into the basically skeletal helicopter and handed him his ten cases, before saying, "Safe trip!" The soldier then put the thing on auto-pilot. The helicopter then flew upward with Cepheus inside it -before promptly smashing into the ground.

_Somewhere else..._

The soldier stared at the sorry excuse for a Jaffa dressed in some brown robe/tunic, who was currently in the fetal position, hiding in a corner. The soldier bent down and poked his arm, getting him to cringe and whimper. "Listen, looking at this envelope won't kill you, I promise." the soldier said in the calmest voice he could muster. Osiris slowly opened his brown eyes, swallowing hard as he reached his right hand out for the envelope.

"Good...now open it up please." the soldier said simply. Osiris looked at it worriedly, and he said quietly, "It's going to explode when I open it...I just know it..."

"It's not going to explode, okay?"

Osiris looked suspicious and then slowly opened the envelope, closing his eyes and bracing himself for the 'explosion'. "Good...now read the letter..." the soldier told him. Osiris opened his eyes and read the following:

_Greetings Osiris the Cowardly,_

_I am the head of Stargate Command, and having opened this letter you have just been drafted into our OC squadrons! Now get here on the double before I send you to an insane asylum!_

_-The Head of Stargate Command_

Well, that did it for Osiris. He started screaming and running around like a maniac, startling the poor soldier. "Please calm down... Good... Now, pack your bags and report back to me..." the soldier said ever so gently. Osiris then replied, "All I have is this staff that zaps people."

"Okay, then you'll all set... Now get into the helicopter over there..."

By now you probably know the quality of this helicopter, so I feel no need to repeat myself again. Osiris' eyes widened in terror and he screamed, "That's not a helicopter! That's a deathtrap!" The soldier looked at it, and had to agree. Nonetheless, he dragged Osiris kicking and screaming into the helicopter. He turned the auto-pilot on, and said to the poor Jaffa, "Just so you know, this helicopter was the government's idea. Not mine."

The helicopter then lifted itself off the ground, before beginning to perform a hot dog roll the entire trip.

_At Stargate Command..._

"The remaining helicopters are coming in!" cried a woman sitting at the radar screen. Soon, numerous soldiers were running outside to greet the people inside the helicopters. The first helicopter to land skidded across the concrete before smashing into the side of the mountain. The door opened, and Abby jumped out, only to be greeted by every single gun in the area.

"Oh sugary sweet pineapples!" Abby screamed, falling backwards and landing on her behind, "Does everyone want to blast my brains out?!" The leader of that particular team approached her. "Are you Abby Appleseed?" he asked.

"Yes, who else would I be? The Primary?"

"I hope not. Now skedaddle."

Abby stood up, brushed the dirt off her pants, grabbed her things, and was escorted out of the area by two of the soldiers ( who still had their guns ready to fire at a moment's notice). All of a sudden, another helicopter came into view. It hovered over the landing pad, lowering itself ever so slowly downward -before promptly crashing into the ground at an incredible speed.

The soldiers watched as Cepheus got out, looking all discombobulated. He straightened his footing and noticed the leader. "Are you Cepheus Cluster?" the high-ranking soldier asked. "Yes, it is I..." Cepheus answered.

"Good. Now go."

Cepheus groaned in annoyance, grabbed his ten cases, and walked into the base with the escort. Then, the final helicopter came into view, performing a hot dog roll. The frightened Jaffa's screams drowned out the aircraft's noise with an incredible volume. It then crashed into the helicopter Cepheus left, and both then crashed into the one Abby left, and all three exploded.

The soldiers then watched as the smoke cleared, revealing a soot-covered Osiris standing with his staff at the ready and his usually brown pointing in all directions. He looked around and realized the glorious reality. "I'm alive... I'M ALIVE!!!" he screamed. The leader walked up to him, startling him, and asked, "Are you Osiris the Cowardly?"

"Yes, I'm Osiris. AND I FEEL SO ALIVE!!!"

Osiris then ran into the base, his escort running after him. The leader then said, "Okay, that's all the OCs..."

_Inside Stargate Command..._

The three OCs stood in the hallway, out of everyone else's way. After awhile, someone blew a whistle -right in Osiris' ear. "Ow!!" he shrieked, covering his ears. Abby and Cepheus then directed their attention to the sergeant. "You three! What are you doing wasting oxygen?!" the sergeant yelled, "You should be heading to where the other OCs are!"

"Where are the other OCs?" Cepheus asked ever so casually. The sergeant blew the whistle again and said, "They are in Section 13! Get there on the double!" With that, he left. Abby looked at Cepheus, "Hey Ceph, do you think everything's kinda... I dunno, against us today?"

"What makes you say that?"

A container filled with some kind of explosive rolled down their way and promptly exploded. Abby let out a long sigh, looked at Cepheus, and answered, "Just a hunch..." Osiris apparently had run off the minute he saw the container, so finding him before he inadvertently broke something was on the top of Abby and Cepheus' priorities.

Now, many things in this universe are uncertain. But one thing that is definitely certain is that the OCs have no clue what lies ahead of them. Wait, that's not very certain, is it??

Note: There's Chapter 1. Virtual cookie to anyone who can correctly guess what the 'Section 13' is reference to. I seriously need people to review this one if I'm going to continue it. I need people's OCs! Anyways, I don't care what your OC is -if its species exists in Stargate, you can use it. And for those who think outside the box, if your Wraith OC happens to be an unnatural red, or if your Replicator OC is meant to look like a Terminator, or better yet, if your Asgard OC is an insane pyromaniac, by all means submit them in! I won't judge your unusual style of OCs. You can submit up to three characters, BTW, but it's not a requirement. Now, let the games begin! Muahahahaha! ( sprays area with Flames-B-Gone) Oh, and the Houston will appear soon.


End file.
